Day 17: Coping with a Nightmare Boss

By Anna Charles

I remember the day well. I’d received another last-minute-but-urgent request from my boss. It was going to be another late night. I sent the email to my husband before I left the office: ‘Have a gin and tonic waiting for me.’ Drinking it was the first thing I did when I got home.

If this strikes a chord, you’re not alone. Drinking in response to stress and unreasonable people is something I coach on a lot. It’s one of my favourite topics because learning to cope with such people will transform your life in so many ways. So, whether it’s your boss, neighbour, mother-in-law, colleague or perhaps even your spouse who sends you running for the wine, read on. 

How does this show up?

Here’s what I see all the time:

1. The boss [spouse/neighbour…] acts in a way that annoys us.
2. We don’t like how this makes us feel [frustrated, belittled, enraged, stressed …] 
3. We drink to ‘numb out’ and forget.
4. We hate ourselves for drinking again.
5. Repeat.

We tell ourselves we’re drinking because of the other person and what they did. We THINK it’s because they’re being so unreasonable.

But what’s ACTUALLY happening is we are drinking in response to the frustration, the belittlement, the rage, the stress – because we don’t like how any of this feels. 

Then we teach ourselves – over the course of weeks, months, years – that wine does a brilliant job of replacing frustration with relaxation … and drinking becomes our go-to solution. At least until the morning when our boss is as irritating as ever and the cycle continues.

Remember what you control

So what are your options? 

First, recognise that drinking a bottle of wine because of something your boss did or said is not going to change them. Right? They’ll do their thing, they’ll be a tyrant whether you’re drinking or not. We know this logically but I find people often skip this step. 

Next, stop trying to control other people because it just doesn’t work. Every adult human has free will. We can’t get them to do something just because we want them to or even because it’s the accepted ‘right’ thing to do. So please do yourself a favour and stop trying.

Instead put all your focus on what you DO control – which is you. I found it helpful to remember that every time I drank in response to stressful situations caused by my boss, I was giving away my power to him. How? By actively doing something (overdrinking) that I didn’t want to do.

Pragmatic solutions

Try these practical steps the next time you feel triggered by something someone says or does. I’m using an employee-boss relationship as an example:

Step 1: Pause and get curious.

Ask: I wonder why he’s asked that? I wonder why she said that? This won’t magically reveal the solution, but your answers will give you information and the opportunity to move to the other person’s side of the table.

Step 2: Ask what am I making this mean?

Let’s say you think your boss is a micromanager. It feels intrusive, as though you aren’t trusted. Yes, you could be right. But equally your boss may see this as a form of ensuring you feel supported. Consider how you’ll approach your boss if you’re thinking ‘they’re treating me like a baby’ vs ‘they just think they’re being helpful’. 

Step 3: Remember you have choice.

As an adult human you have freewill too. If you approach the person differently and they’re still intransigent, remember you have choice. You don’t have to stay in a job you hate. You don’t have to do any of it. There are just consequences. But that’s also something you control. 

Dryuary = Responsibility

So this Dryuary grasp the opportunity to take full responsibility for yourself. Recognise that you don’t have to think about your boss in a way that makes you mad. You don’t have to try and control other people. And you don’t need to let any of this have you reaching for a drink.

Bio

Anna Charles works with high achievers who struggle to drink a glass of wine without it turning into two bottles. She’s the person they call when they want to take it or leave it. She teaches a simple, doable way to live a full life without worrying what’s in your glass.

Contact: anna@90dayslater.co 

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