Day 14: The Journey From Moderation To Abstinence

It was Christmas Eve Day 2022, and I was drunk before my wife woke up in the morning. Grief, work stress, and mental health issues had all teamed up against me, and I was using alcohol to cope with a life that felt heavy and out of control. After a quick google search, I found Moderation Management and decided to give moderation a try in lieu of pursuing strict abstinence. 

I moderated for four months, and like to think that these months went well. I managed to stick to the MM Moderate Drinking Guidelines most weeks, and appreciated that they were not mandatory on the weeks that I didn’t. I found great support and met wonderful people in the Zoom Meetings. But one thing remained true during this time. I found moderation to be a great deal of work. On days when I planned to have alcohol, it was often difficult to stop after my planned number of drinks. On the days when I didn’t plan to drink, I would frequently negotiate with myself. What if I moved Friday’s drinking day to today? What if I took one drink off of Saturday and had it today instead? The mental gymnastics were tiring. 

In April of 2023, I was helping plan a Celebration of Life for my uncle in law who died tragically in an accident. I remember sitting on my living room floor putting together a collage of photos after drinking three vodka cocktails. Although it was a planned drinking day, and I hadn’t exceeded my planned number of drinks, I realized in that moment that I was still using alcohol to cope with grief. The amount of vodka may have decreased, but I was still relying on it to play the role of friend and counselor. I decided right then and there that it was time to take my first thirty day break from drinking. 

The first few days were difficult. Even though I took multiple days off from drinking in a row while moderating, knowing that I couldn’t have a drink made me itchy. But a week and a half in, something amazing began to happen. My head was clearer, my self esteem was up, I was sleeping better, and I had more energy. A crazy thought began to creep into my head. What if I abstained indefinitely? Would long term abstinence bring me even more benefits? One afternoon, I was taking a bubble bath and watching TikToks made by sober creators. I don’t know why, but in that moment a switch flipped in my head. I’d had enough. I was ready. It was time. I jumped out of the tub, threw my clothes on, sprinted into my wife’s home office, and announced that I was ready to quit drinking. She was surprised and hesitant, but also excited and supportive. I went to my first MM Long Term Absers Meeting, and discovered a group of people who had experienced many of the same shifts in their mind and body as I had when they committed to abstaining from alcohol. I found comfort in sober podcasts. I meditated and took long walks every day. I settled into a new routine that didn’t involve answering the call of alcohol.

This Dryuary marks a year and nine months of abstinence for me. The mountain of benefits have not come without difficult moments. However, I’ve found that my worst fears surrounding abstinence did not come true. I worried that I would be judged and lose friends, but the important people in my life have been overwhelmingly supportive. I was concerned that I wouldn’t be fun without alcohol casting its spell on me, but I discovered a whole new side of my personality that flourished without liquor. I feared that I simply would not have the strength to say no, but I found the support I needed in sober communities and the allyship of loved ones. 

People always ask if I will stay abstinent forever. The truth is that I honestly don’t know. I have no plans to return to moderation in the future, but I also acknowledge that this may change as my life circumstances change. Regardless of what the future holds, I am grateful for the lessons that abstinence has taught me. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to spend getting to know myself and building a life that I actually want to live. And I am grateful for the wonderful people I have met along the way.

By Becky McBoom, MM Member